


The Talk

by lordjenjen



Category: South Park
Genre: 100 accurate because I saw it on the internet, M/M, The Talk, and that's how it happens, now when one been wants to fist the other-, then that been stings the other been until they both pollinate the bed sheets, they play rock paper scissors to find out who gets to sting, when two bees want to do the dirty
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-01
Updated: 2018-10-01
Packaged: 2019-07-23 08:08:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,714
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16155035
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lordjenjen/pseuds/lordjenjen
Summary: It's up to Thomas Tucker to give his boy the talk. But how does a hetero male give his gay son the bees and the bees talk?





	The Talk

The Talk

 

Thomas knew this day would come, the day he'd have to give his son “the talk.” But he felt like his case was a special case and so he had reasons to be dreading it. For starters, it wasn't like he could give the birds and the bees. He didn't really understand it when he was young and he was sure it only applied to straight people. So was it the bees and the bees? He wasn't sure.

The other specialty to his case was he was giving it to his gay son and his boyfriend. Tweek's parents were far too unreliable to give their son the talk so he felt responsible to give it to him as well. Tweek was practically their son at this point.

Thomas rubbed the bald spot on his head and sighed as the front door opened. He had to do this today. Before his son started indulging himself into unsafe sex practices. He'd been a good father and read up on gay sex rather than rely on his hetero male friends or the town slut for this. No respect for Mr Slave, the man himself said he was no role model after his ass ate Paris Hilton.

He allowed Craig and Tweek to ascend the stairs before following. Craig's door was closed and he hoped he wasn't too late.

Thomas gave the door a sound knock. “Craig. We need to talk. I'm coming in.”

He was glad to see both boys had their homework out and in their laps.

“Oh jeez, man, should I leave?”

“No Tweek. You stay. You need to hear this as well.”

Thomas took a seat in Craig's computer chair and studied the boys across from him. A little over 15 and at the beginning of what would most hormonal period of their life. He just hoped his son was a late bloomer like himself.

“Boys. I know you're reaching the age where you being to get curious about your bodies-”

“Oh no”

“-and each others bodies as well-”

“Please dad don't do this.”

“God damn it Craig! I promised myself you'd have this talk so you didn't accidentally knock someone up. Just because you're gay doesn't mean you're getting out of it. You might turn out to be bi, or Tweek, you could be omnibus-sexual or whatever they are calling it now in days. So you're getting the talk.”

Craig crossed his arms as he rolled his eyes. “Fine. But we already learned it all in school.”

“I'm not trusting that school to teach you anything. They hired Mr Garrison back after all.”

Tweek closed his book and gave Thomas his full attention. At least he'd teach one of them. But now that he had it, he wasn't sure he wanted it.

“You see, when two bees love each other dearly-”

“Oh my fucking God, no.” Craig buried his face into his hands.

His son was right though. This would be as bad as the talk he was given. A cop out used by adults relying on the school system to properly educate children. It was a bad way to go about it. He just needed to grit his teeth and go with his original plan.

“Your right. Love isn't always involved with sex. More often than not, it's just lust. Now I understand you're going to want to experiment, and that's fine. Make sure your partner is okay with everything as well, this is called consent and will save you from a scandal later in life. Just because they can't say no, doesn't make it a yes.” The look in both boys faces said Thomas had hit a cord with them. And not for the the first time, he wondered what that school was teaching them.

“When having- uh- sex with uh, well with anyone, you need to make sure you're using condoms. Now Craig, you may not know this but our family has a history of well endowed men who are uh- growers and not showers.”

“Wait what?”

The wide eyed look on both boys faces confused him while Craig looked a bit shocked, Tweek looked fearful.

“We tend to not reach our full potential until our late teens and even then, our genitals aren't at their full … potential until we are, uh… erect.”

“Oh God.” Tweek blushed, from what he could only assume, was embarrassment. Thomas didn't blame him.

“You'll have to ask your father, Tweek. But either way, you'll want to always use condoms as they will prevent the spread of STDs. And if you ever have sex with a woman, they prevent unwanted pregnancies. A little bit of bareback fun isn't worth a lifetime of consequences. I know.”

“Wait, dad. Am I-”

Realizing his true mistake, Thomas quickly hurried into the his next point. “Now, because I'm sure you'll be using a condom, you'll want to use proper lube. This is very important, boys, as the wrong kind of lube can be dangerous.”

“What?”

“I'm so glad you asked, Tweek.” At least one was on bored with moving on. “You see when two men have sex, one is usually top. The other is bottom.”

For the first time in a while, Thomas witnessed a full body twitch from Tweek. He even let out a small noise of embarrassment. Thomas did his best to ignore it. He'd take the boys out for a treat later for being good sports through all this.

“Now, I have never had sexual inercorse with aaaah- with a man. But just like with a woman, you'll want to make sure they are properly ready for your penis. Most women will naturally produce lubricant, but the uh-” Thomas cleared his throat. He couldn't let the boys this was getting to him. “-the anus does not. And for that and women who need a little extra help, there's lubricant or lube for short. There are three basic types of lube. You have water based, silicone, and oil based.”

“What about flavored lube, sir.” Craig glared at Tweek, shaking his head. Tweek was the true champ here. Willing to learn.

“Flavored lube will usually be water based, I guess. I can't imagine it being oil based. Definitely not silicone. But flavored lube, just like with water based lubes, aren't meant for long sessions of inercorse.”

“Meaning-”

“Meaning, Tweek. You'll have to add more lube eventually during sex. Because Tucker men have stamina.” For some reason, both boys looked confused at Thomas. He just needed to move past this. “Now oil based lubes are a nice solution to this problem, but oil will break down the molecules of latex, both condoms and- uh- toys. Making them until safe. Silicone based lubes are a nice happy medium that would last through a fairly normal session without compromising latex, but if you're planning on using any- uh- toys, you'll want to no use it with silicone toys.”

Thomas was sure the boys were as horrified but this experience as he was, but he had to be the adult. He has to make sure they practiced safe sex.

“Now, when having inercorse, you'll want to make sure the catcher is ready for the pitcher.”

“What!?” Both boys echoed. He really should use metaphors for sex. It was just going to make things worse.

“You have to make sure Tweek is ready to take your penis.”

Tweek barked out a laugh before quickly covering his mouth. Craig instead turned red and stared at him in horror. Thomas could only assume it was because they didn't want to to have this talk. But he was too deep to quit now.

“Now when you have anal sex, or vaginal, you need to make sure your partner’s ready. Start out with just one, well lubricated finger.” To show this, he used his fingers, making a tight circle with one hand and his pointer on the other. “And gently insert it into your partner's rect-”

“Oh God no. Dad please.”

“God damn it Craig. I can't have you boys out there having unsafe sex. It makes your first time terrible and you can get diseases and unwanted pregnancies! Now you start out with one and slowly work your way up. Craig, you're definitely going to want to get three in there. Especially if they are a virgin. And then you're going to want to slowly ease your penis into them. You don't want to hurt them. And make sure they are okay as you go along. Such a large member can really scare off a partner the first time.”

Tweek was holding back his embarrassment giggles and he wasn't sure his son could survive much more blood rushing to his face. Thomas knew he'd hit all of his main points he needed to wrap things up like he'd hope his son would rap his willy.

“And even if it's just you two having sex together, you'll still want to get regular check-ups as it's possible to get and STD through non-sexual ways. And boys. If you need anything, condoms, lube, plan b-”

“Plan B? Dad-”

“In case the condom breaks while having sex with a woman. Craig, I'm not saying it will happen, but your sexuality could change and I just want you to know you can come to me for anything. Even drugs because I'd rather get you safe stuff then whatever that McCormick kid is dealing.”

“Oh my God dad!”

“All right. I think we're done here.”

Tweek and Craig watched Thomas leave the room, closing the door behind him. The door was barely latched before Tweek let loose his pent up laughter.

“Shut it.”

“I- ah!- I can't!”

“It's not funny.”

Both knew Craig was getting mad, but it was too funny. And Craig would realize it once the initial embarrassment wore off.

“Your dad. He thinks-”

“I know. He thinks we are virgins.”

“He thinks you top.”

Craig smacked Tweek with a pillow. “I let you top because my penis  _ did _ scare you the first time.”

Tweek started laughing harder. “He thinks you're bigger!”

 

“Apparently I haven't hit my growth spurt yet.”

 

For some reason this just made Tweek laugh harder. Craig smacked him again with the pillow before picking up his homework.

“Fuck you Tweek. I'm topping next time.”

**Author's Note:**

> It was requested on Tumblr and I did this instead of the kink meme lol


End file.
